Saturday, December 11, 2004

 

Sunrise, Sunset

So last night I had a quiet evening in with my Man-Kitty, I took a nap, I took a bubble bath, and then I watched Before Sunrise and Before Sunset in a kind of intellectual-thinking-about-love-and-what-it-all-means reverie. I'm not sure whether I actually came to any relevant or interesting conclusions (except for that Ethan Hawke was dreamier 10 years ago than he is now... he just looks so haggard) but I'm feeling much more philosophical about my current state of affairs.

At the end of the day, something will happen with all of this Freud shit. And maybe I'm just in it for the drama (see Dr. Medusa's thinking about the drama in her comment to my last post) right now, and this is why I'm being kind of on-the-fence about him. If I definitively told him not to call then there'd be nothing to spend (waste?) my time thinking about. As it is, there's a lot more possibility in this stupid situation than there would be if I were really to examine exactly how I feel about him or what I want from him. Sure, I say I want more than basic friendship with him, but I don't want to analyze what I mean by that or to determine what I'd want that to look like. I want something just "to happen." Which is ridiculous. And since I don't want to figure my shit out, I put him in a pretty shitty position because, while I'm making some sort of demand, neither one of us really knows what specifically the demand is so how can he possibly answer it in an acceptable way? I'm asking him to pony up, but how can he possibly do that if I don't clearly articulate what I mean by that? I'm setting him up to fail to please me. And that's kind of a shitty thing to do to somebody. And it ultimately will mean that nothing will come of this other than friendship - if that - because there's no way to meet such a vague expectation. It will be interesting, though, to see what I do next in regard to this whole stupid thing that I've created. It will be interesting to see what both of us do.

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