Monday, December 06, 2004


Of Course I Can Break Up with a Guy Who Isn't My Boyfriend!

So, after hours of procrastination-driven reflection (as well as listening to a soundtrack that included, among other things, PJ Harvey's Rid of Me (whole CD), Fiona Apple's "Shadowboxer," "Criminal," "Never is a Promise," "Limp," and "Get Gone," and the Magnetic Fields' "Meaningless") I had a moment of clarity in which I realized that I could not continue on with this nonsense with Freud in its current guise. The scales fell from my eyes and a number of things became apparent: 1) Last Monday night felt like it meant something to me - something not casual and related to - dare I say it? - feelings that I might be developing (have developed?) for Freud 2) I can't continue to have said feelings if those are not reciprocated because I may be a lot of things but I am not the sort of girl who moons over a guy who will never moon over her 3) I can't trust myself to be around Freud and to just be friendy because we've tried that countless times over the past four months and it always ends in the same way - with us naked and behaving in a decidedly beyond-friendy manner. From these three things, I then determined that I needed to put my cards on the table with Freud and that one of two things would need to happen as a result of the cards-on-table-putting. But rather than tell you about it in some long descriptive paragraph, I think that it will be more effective for me to reprise the relevant passages of last night's telephone conversation:

[At approximately 7 pm, Freud calls while he's driving home from his mom's house. We engage in some idle chit-chat, he apologizes for not calling me back on Friday night, and talks only vaguely about his weekend. At this point I'm still not sure whether I should talk to him on the phone about my moment of clarity or whether I should talk to him about it when I see him. I blab about my schedule for the next couple of weeks, explaining that in some ways it will be much lighter (prep-wise) because of things wrapping up for the semester.]

Freud: Oh well it sounds like you'll have some time this week, and I know I'm available - we should hang out.
Crazy: [Slight pause while I consider what to do, and realizing I cannot remain silent or act like the moment of clarity has not occurred.] Yeah, well, about that... I'm not sure if that's such a good idea.
Freud: Uhhhh...
Crazy: See, I've been doing some thinking. Thinking related to last Monday night.
Freud: [At this point his voice changes into a weird strained kind of falsely cheery tone and his speech is peppered with oddly placed chuckles. Stella and I have discussed this as it seems to be a weird thing that happens to guys sometimes, and we think that voice is the sound of their testicles retracting up into their bodies - "acute retraction" or, as we like to call it, "empty scrotum syndrome."] Oh, thinking? Oh no.
Crazy: Yeah, I know. It can be dangerous when I do the thinking. But so, the thing is, I've been thinking, and I don't think that Monday night would have happened the way that it did if I didn't have some sort of feelings - and I'm not sure exactly what kind, but definitely non-casual feelings related to you.
Freud: Well, maybe we shouldn't [odd chuckle - abbreviated as o.c. from this point forward] talk about this until you know what your feelings are.
Crazy: No, what the feelings are isn't really important. What matters here is that I'm thinking about you in a not-casual way. Monday night was not just an "Oh, I fucked my friend, who cares" sort of a thing to me. So whatever my feelings are, the fact that I'm not thinking about you that way means that I'm in this position where I've got to pretend to feel less than I feel or differently from how I feel and that's not good for me.
Freud: Well, no, I can see that but... uh... I don't know what I'm supposed to say... [o.c.]
Crazy: Well, here's the thing. I think that the only way for this to be ok is either there's got to be the potential there for something to develop with us - I need to feel like I can let the feelings that I have develop, I guess - or I think we need to take a little bit of a break from hanging out for a while so that I can get my head into a place where I know I won't fuck you if I hang out with you and we really will be just friends and nothing else.
Freud: I see what you mean, but maybe the thing [o.c.] is just we can hang out but not [o.c.] go back to each other's places-
Crazy: Freud. How many times have we tried to pull back while still hanging out in the past four months? I do not trust either of us to do that. And the thing is, if I've got to get my head into a place where I don't have feelings beyond friendship about you, seeing you all the time is probably not a good way of doing that.
Freud: But I think a lot of it is alcohol that makes it happen. Maybe [o.c.] if we just don't drink when we're together?[o.c.]
Crazy: What I'm telling you is that this isn't about drinking when I'm with you or going to your house or anything like that. If it was we would not be having this conversation because I would chalk up what happened to being a drunk fuck. I wasn't drunk Monday night, and you know that. I'm just saying that what's best, if things aren't going to be more between us, is for me to take some time and stop feeling things that you don't reciprocate, right? I mean, you've said it enough times that you don't want a relationship. I don't know whether that's about me or about relationships generally, but if that is true, then I need to stop what I'm doing and I can't do that if we're hanging out. I mean, Freud, do you see any potential for anything to develop with us?
Freud: Not at this time.
Crazy: Well, ok then. So you see that it's probably not a good idea for me to hang out with you and get even closer to you and to develop even stronger feelings for you, right?
Freud: Well, yeah, I understand, it's just I don't know...
Crazy: Are you ok? Your voice sounds funny and you're not really saying anything.
Freud: I'm ok, I'm just. [o.c.] I just really don't want to talk about this.
Crazy: Well, ok. I've been going on and on and I felt like maybe I should let you have a turn.
Freud: Yeah, well, I see where you're coming from and... I'm just [o.c.] sick of talking about this. This month this just keeps coming up and I don't get it.[o.c.] Why do we keep having these conversations? I don't have this with any of my other friends.... But then I don't have sexual relationships with them....[o.c.]
Crazy: Well, yeah, that's kind of the point. But what do you mean it keeps coming up? We've had this sort of conversation exactly twice.
Freud: That's more than I want to have it [o.c.]
Crazy: Me too, and so that's why it's better if we just take some time and then we don't have to keep doing this over and over again. It's not that you did anything wrong or that I'm mad at you or anything - I don't want you to think that. It's just that if I'm having these sort of feelings and if I think that things that happen are meaningful that you don't think are that is going to fuck up our friendship.
Freud: I can't believe you don't think you mean anything to me.
Crazy: That's not what I said. I know that I mean something to you. I know you care about me. It's just like with Monday night - I thought that meant something and you didn't.
Freud: Well, I think it's just we thought it meant [o.c.] different things.
Crazy: Whatever. The point is that isn't good. If we don't fix this now, then we're going to just keep doing the same thing over and over again and we're going to end up hating each other and we won't be friends.
Freud: Well, I understand what you're saying, and if you think we need to cool off [o.c.] then I guess I have to accept that, and I'm not mad at you or anything...
Crazy: Well, of course you're not mad. I haven't done anything to make you mad.
Freud: True... Well, but no. I am mad. [o.c.] You're telling me you don't want to talk to me or see me. [o.c.]
Crazy: That's not at all what I'm telling you. I'm telling you it's not a good idea for us to hang out until I have you firmly in the friend place unless you have the same sort of feelings for me that I have for you. If you think this is just a casual thing, then I need to get myself back to the only friends place.
Freud: Well, I guess you can just call me when you're ready....
Crazy: Ok, or if you want to talk to me you can call me. You don't have to wait for me to call you. It's just that we need to take a break from seeing each other.
Freud: Well, alright then. I guess I'll go then...
Crazy: Ok, have a good night.
Freud: You, too.
So yeah. I broke up with my not-boyfriend. Or at the very least I said that we needed to take a break (from what? from not being in a relationship? insanity). Feel pretty good about it. Figure I can stop having feelings that aren't reciprocated in approximately one month's time.

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