Friday, December 10, 2004

 

Just Not That Into Me?

And no, I'm not talking about boys. I'm talking about the anxiety that's been lurking beneath the surface about not having heard a peep (other than acknowledgment of having received materials - not a request for additional crap, not an interview request, not a rejection) regarding the handful of jobs for which I applied. I know I'm being stupid. I know, sensibly, that my field is beyond saturated and that the likelihood of little old Crazy getting even one measly convention interview with any of these schools is very, very small indeed. People send out hundreds of applications to get a handful of nibbles. They do not send out six and expect miracles.

Except for that I sort of did. Because I can, stupidly, convince myself that I am awesome and that things like getting interviews at like... 4 of the 6 places I applied would be possible (because I'm not completely delusional - of course two would have to reject me because I just didn't fit their needs or something completely unrelated to my awesomeness). But now, Dr. G (friend in my department who also applied a few places) got an interview and my friend Ahab (from grad school) has had a bunch of requests for materials and one interview request. And even Stupid Freud (more on him later) had a nibble for an academic job (which he does not want).

Here's the thing. It will not be the end of the world if I don't get "asked out" by one of these schools. My current job/location are fine. My reasons for wanting different are not very serious reasons. But, like with guys, I feel like it's worse not to know where I stand than to just get rejected outright. If I'd get even one rejection I think I could convince myself that they all will reject me. But this limbo that I'm in... I'm obsessing about checking my messages and email and the mail and thinking about when I might hear something and obsessing about why I haven't. Maybe they're not calling because they are so into me that I have made it to the next level of their deliberations? Maybe they're not calling because they're just not into me?

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