Friday, November 12, 2004


Shopping! Frolicking! Hooray!

Well, I just didn't have it in me to get the email drama going, so instead I fled my office (instead of working during my two free hours) and went out into the world where people buy things. What I purchased: awesome mid-calf nine west black high-heeled boots (which would have originally cost about $100 more than the $20 I paid for them - can't find a picture easily online because I think they're probably last season's or something, but no matter - they are awesome), a slutty brown sweater (I know, how can a brown sweater be slutty? well, it just is....), and then, on a roll, I went next door to the record store and bought CDs.

So here's the thing. I've been slowly replacing CDs that I lost when Jerk left almost two years ago. "Replacing" means this: in part I'm replacing ones of mine that he somehow made off with (Liz Phair's Whip-Smart, for example), but I'm also replacing one's of his that he had introduced me to. Today I finally broke down and bought The Magnetic Fields' 69 Love Songs. Of course, this was something that Jerk loaned me when we began dating and in many ways I fell in love with him as I fell in love with it. (In particular, check out the songs "Reno Dakota" and "Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side." They are awesome. - Hey and that reminds me - I heard "Luckiest Guy" in a Gap this past spring while I was trying on jeans and almost started crying. Wow. That's fucked up. I had forgotten all about that.) It's weird, this process of needing to "replace" CDs... I always seem to have this problem after breaking up from long-term loves - I never have it with books (because I'm a Nazi when it comes to lending them and a theif when it comes to borrowing ones that I like - for example, in exchange for my CDs that were lost I've got Don DeLillo's Underworld and a 1st edition signed copy of Brief Interviews with Hideous Men - though no dust-jacket because Jerk was an idiot who threw them away - and Infinite Jest - just paperback, but still) and I never have it with other stuff... but CDs... somehow they are the price I pay for the failure of relationships. Of course, the price that all of my suitors pay is the loss of their most comfortable clothing (even Freud has fallen prey to my klepto-tendencies in this regard, and no, he will never see those T-shirts again, thank you very much)....

I don't know. I'm not sure why I wanted to write about this, but I guess I feel like part of the buying back of the music that I loved when I was with him has to do with getting back who I was then, or at least getting back the best parts of who I was and who I became with him. I wish that he would get in touch with me. I wish that I didn't have to not know him anymore. He had great fucking taste in music (and in a lot of other things as well). I just don't get guys who in one breath say they want to spend the rest of their lives with you but then when it doesn't work out disappear and never speak to you again.

And to think that now I'm fucking a guy who asked me to borrow my Indigo Girls CD Rites of Passage. I mean, I own the CD, so obviously I like it (or liked it a lot in 1992 when I bought it though I rarely listen to it now, though the song "Romeo and Juliet" is a favorite when I'm feeling sorry for myself) but I just feel like it's somehow wrong that of all of the CDs I've got that is what he wanted to borrow. And I question the fact that "Riders on the Storm" is his favorite Doors song (Hello? Is he my First Love from High School? Is he every lame guy from my hometown?) and that he owns multiple Billy Joel CDs.*

*Disclaimer: Please don't be offended if you like any/all of the music that I have just dissed Stupid Freud for liking. I'm being a total snob. I admit it. If one were to look at my CD collection, one would not find all cool things, and I admit that.... I just expect more out of guys I date. I think it has something to do with all of the (slacker, derelict) rocker boys that I dated in grad school.

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