Tuesday, November 16, 2004

 

It's All Coming Crashing Down

The house of cards that is my life, that is. I won't even get into the professional part of this. The personal is as follows:
Friday: Freud called, I was on the other line with Stella, he said he'd call back, he didn't call back.
Saturday: Freud called, chit-chat, his grandma died, bla bla bla, I ask Freud what he's doing that night, he announces that he's going on a first date with some girl he met on Thursday, I act all cool about it and fucking advise him about dealing with girls, we get off the phone and I feel oddly like shit.
Sunday: Freud calls, I don't answer the phone, he calls again, I don't answer the phone again and he leaves a message inviting me over to watch football with his buddies, as if I am one of the buddies. I do not call him back.
Monday: Freud calls, no message, Freud calls again a half-hour later, leaves a somewhat confused/frantic message about the fact that he hasn't heard from me and asking me to call him, Freud calls again at 11:30pm, I don't answer again, no message, but then I call him back immediately. Big long conversation in which I actually express my confusion at the state of things with us and reveal that my feelings were hurt by the conversation on Saturday/the invite on Sunday, he is utterly confused, tells me that I'm his "best friend" (what?!?!?) wants to come over, I say no, we make plans for tonight even though I've got no fucking time.

[Edited to Add: he said the thing about my being his "best friend" - in fact, the person he's "connected with most" ever - very early in the conversation. I revealed my confusion about the state of things with us later in the conversation - something along the lines of "what terrifies me is that if I am let myself be close to you that it will give me an excuse not to look for somebody else, which you are clearly doing, and that's fucked up but that is the sort of thing that I would do" - and that is where he was completely confused and said "I didn't realize it was this complicated" and I said "of course it's this complicated, Freud, but I know that's not what you want things to be with us - you've said it enough times - and I accept that; I'm just concerned about doing what's best for me" but then he said "but it's not like I haven't played a role in making things fucked up" [no shit, sherlock] "I mean, why did I get so angry with you about making out with my friend if I don't..." and then I said, "see? it is totally fucked up. We're not just regular friends and we can't pretend we are," and that's when he started trying to get me to see him last night and I had to say no like 5 times and then that was when we made plans for tonight. Felt like I needed to clarify all of this so that my readers would have a fuller picture of the situation, which I don't feel my first post conveyed.]

Oh my god. Totally fucked. Papers to grade, conferences with students to have, paper supposed to being given to department which is not written because i didn't realize it was this week so hopefully can postpone it [it is postponed! yay!], and not prepared for any of classes this week [teaching stuff I already taught earlier in the semester and have excellent notes for tonight! and a poem I taught last year! Yay!]. And then the personal-life drama. Want to cry [yes, this is still true].

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