Monday, November 08, 2004


A Gleeful Crazy Continues on the Path of Laziness and Irresponsibility

Summary of weekend:
I did no work of any kind and I spent both Friday and Saturday night with Freud.

Extended analysis of weekend:
First, related to the not working aspect of things, I'm feeling pretty good. I think that Freud was a vehicle for some productive procrastination, i.e., that I needed to avoid responsibilities in order to return to said responsibilities excited to deal with them. Does anybody else do this? I've been locked in this sort of pattern of procrastination/productivity for probably my entire academic career. I'm beginning to think I should stop beating myself up for it because clearly it works. Also, doesn't even the most committed junior professor need some sort of personal life? I barely had one last year and I can only think that allowing myself to have one in my second year is a good thing. Even if my means to that is Freud, about whom I continue to be unsure.

Second, Freud. What does a girl even say about Freud? The weekend was a chaste affair, but there was a distinctly date-y feel to things, especially on Saturday. I think that what I've decided (as of this morning) is that I need for things to be defined one way or the other with him. Because this weekend it felt like I was his pretend girlfriend or something, and I don't like that. As I see it, things need to be defined in one of the three following ways:
  1. We're just going to be friends, in which case the date-y things (like cooking dinner and watching movies and talking about love and relationships and stuff in a weirdly intimate way and sleeping in the same bed) have to stop.
  2. We're just going to fuck occasionally, in which case date-y things as well as friend-y things have to stop.
  3. We're just going to try being in a "couple" of sorts, in which case I don't know what will have to happen because the thought of it totally freaks me out.
I really did have an awesome time with him this weekend. I just don't want to get myself into a position where I have feelings and those feelings are not returned. Perhaps I'll tell more about the interactions of the weekend later, but I don't really feel like it at the moment. Must stop thinking about it altogether so that I can take care of business.

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