Tuesday, November 23, 2004


Disturbing (and Yet Somehow Not Surprising) News

Jerk is married.

Yeah, that's right, the ex that I had lived with, had been in a relationship with for just over three years, has, just one-and-a-half years later married somebody. I do not know who this person is other than the cryptic description offered to Stella by the Bearer of Bad Tidings: "I don't know. Some dumb girl from that little town he's from." Ultimately, it doesn't really matter who he married. Just that he is married and I've been fucking around for the past year-and-a-half like a fucking teenager (though not like the teenager I was in life - more like a movie version of a teenager).

At any rate, when Stella called and told me she had news I guessed what it was immediately, for apparently I have selective psychic abilities. So I wasn't surprised exactly, but at the same time I also can't believe it. And then there's the fact that one of my first reactions was, Thank God I didn't marry him - I was... I don't know... relieved? But I guess I'm upset in a weirdly competitive way, and I feel like this news would be easier to swallow if I at least had a fucking boyfriend. No reason, that, to tie myself down with a boyfriend, but it's how it feels. I feel like somehow his getting married confirms that I am an unloveable freak. Yeah, I know that's retarded, too.

But. I talked to my mom this morning and her initial response was awesome. (As is my mom... must write about her here at length sometime soon...) I love her reaction so much I will close with it:

"Well, you know, losers always end up latching onto somebody fast. They can't survive on their own. Just thank god you didn't end up with him."

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