Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Unbelievable
First, thanks for all of your supportive comments re: my telephonic dealings with Freud Thursday night. The unbelievable thing is that after all of that I ended up going out with him on Friday (because clearly I've got absolutely no will-power to say no when somebody wants to do something and shows up at my house) and hanging out with him all day Saturday (after sleeping over at his house Friday night - chastely). In spite of my reservations about him, it becomes apparent to me that I like hanging out with Freud. I can't explain it. And I usually do have a really good time with him when we do hang out. Strange.
I also can't explain why, after I had finally accepted that we'd moved into a bizarre friend-thing, a Mr. Right Now sort of thing happened (at his initiation) Saturday evening. When we were both completely sober. After some discussion. I'd go into it in detail, but I can't believe that any of you are interested in hearing about it. I'm barely interested in it, and I lived it. Well, that's probably not fair. I'm interested, but in the strangeness of the situation more than anything else. As Stella and Jezebel both said, and I think I agree, he and I are acting like a bizarre version of boyfriend-girlfriend in which we are not actually boyfriend-girlfriend. I don't know. I'm sort of freaked out by the whole thing and haven't spoken to him since. I'm beginning to think that he is operating as a Not-Boyfriend for me, much as my real boyfriend during the time that I was dissertating was actually my Not-Dissertation. I'm not sure that it's positive to use people in this fashion. In addition to being my Not-Boyfriend, Freud also works as my Not-Work, because he became my excuse for accomplishing exactly 1 percent of the things that I had planned to accomplish this weekend. Perhaps I need to start taking more responsibility for my actions instead of looking for people who will justify my procrastination and fears-of-intimacy by their existence in my life. Hmmm. Something to ponder. Though, to be fair, I'm fairly certain that I've become his Not-Dissertation, and so it's a two-way-street of failing to take responsibility for one's own actions, although of course that is no justification.
Anyway, this has become a pointless ramble, and I've got work I should be doing (sigh) so I will sign off. The bottom line is this: in spite of any of my ruminating or analyzing, I think that what will happen, regardless of any big talk on my part, is that
I also can't explain why, after I had finally accepted that we'd moved into a bizarre friend-thing, a Mr. Right Now sort of thing happened (at his initiation) Saturday evening. When we were both completely sober. After some discussion. I'd go into it in detail, but I can't believe that any of you are interested in hearing about it. I'm barely interested in it, and I lived it. Well, that's probably not fair. I'm interested, but in the strangeness of the situation more than anything else. As Stella and Jezebel both said, and I think I agree, he and I are acting like a bizarre version of boyfriend-girlfriend in which we are not actually boyfriend-girlfriend. I don't know. I'm sort of freaked out by the whole thing and haven't spoken to him since. I'm beginning to think that he is operating as a Not-Boyfriend for me, much as my real boyfriend during the time that I was dissertating was actually my Not-Dissertation. I'm not sure that it's positive to use people in this fashion. In addition to being my Not-Boyfriend, Freud also works as my Not-Work, because he became my excuse for accomplishing exactly 1 percent of the things that I had planned to accomplish this weekend. Perhaps I need to start taking more responsibility for my actions instead of looking for people who will justify my procrastination and fears-of-intimacy by their existence in my life. Hmmm. Something to ponder. Though, to be fair, I'm fairly certain that I've become his Not-Dissertation, and so it's a two-way-street of failing to take responsibility for one's own actions, although of course that is no justification.
Anyway, this has become a pointless ramble, and I've got work I should be doing (sigh) so I will sign off. The bottom line is this: in spite of any of my ruminating or analyzing, I think that what will happen, regardless of any big talk on my part, is that
- I will continue to talk to Freud.
- I will continue to hang out with Freud once or twice a week.
- I will probably have sex with Freud, though I'm in no way certain how regular or inspiring an occurrence this may turn out to be.
