Monday, August 30, 2004


Freud "Tries to be a Man"; Dr. C. Loses Patience

Well, folks, the good news is that I could have a second career as a makeup artist, for I have successfully perfected the covering up of the hideous black eye. When last I wrote, I had supposed that I would have to figure things out with Freud by the time that the black eye healed - apparently, all I needed to do was find a way to cover the black eye in order to achieve this feat. Basically, I'm done toying with the idea of Freud. He is so caught up in binary oppositions and false morality that even I, with my extraordinary powers of imagination, can no longer delude myself into thinking that I like him. The scales have fallen from my eyes, and I realize now that my obsession with him was rooted in two things: 1) a cartoonish boy-chasing tendency (ala Peppermint Patti w/ Charlie Brown and Miss Piggy with Kermit) and 2) an extreme aversion to accepting the fact that my summer is over.

The short version of what happened is this: Freud called me Friday at like 3 am wanting me to come over (I refused) and then I ended up going out with him on Saturday night. During Saturday's outing, I got to listen to a bunch of things about how being "good" for him means not having sex, that he wants to be in love before having sex, that he wants sex to be "making love," that he sees me only as a friend. Some things that occur to me: 1) if "good" is celibacy and "bad" is having sex, that really does put a limit on one's experiences; 2) for some, it is impossible to know whether one is in love if one has not had sex with the person; 3) even committed relationships can't sustain the pressure of "making love" 100% of the time - sometimes (for me, a lot of the time) it needs just to be fucking; 4) if he sees me as his "friend" then why in god's name did he call me at 3 am and try to get me to come over? (and yes, I know the answer is that he was drunk dialing, but I don't drunk dial my friends with those sorts of requests at 3 am....)

Anyway, I have no interest in combatting his unrealistic, misogynistic, and limited notion of how relationships work. He's just so closed-minded! Additionally, he's a hypocrite - he says all of this stuff about "making love," etc., but then it turns out he's slept with like 19 people. And part of his "trying to be a man" apparently is not sleeping around (fine) but all of this self-constructed prohibition ultimately (if my experience with him is any indication) leads to him impulsively fucking somebody and then feeling "guilty" and "childish" because of it. So yeah, I'm going to stop hanging out with Freud so much and accept the fact that I'd rather be in monastic-academic-mode than engaged in such ridiculous conversations. I teach closed-minded, inexperienced people for a living - I don't need to do the same in my off-time.

In other news, the only thing I really accomplished this weekend was to go to the grocery store and to cook a delicious meal yesterday. Not exactly a stellar list of accomplishments, but I did think a lot about the other things that were on my list, and I think I needed the R&R after my first week of teaching. Today I got my first set of short papers to grade, and my classes this morning went well. So love it when I start knowing students' names! So love it when they begin speaking!

Ah well, I should really attempt to accomplish something before leaving this place. It is a gloomy, gray, humid-and-yet-not-hot day outside, and I think I would like to go home, take to my bed, and do some reading and grading. Also I'm going to make homemade chicken soup, because I like to be a one-woman-lean-cuisine during the academic year and freeze single-sized portions of delicious things so that I don't eat crap when I don't feel like cooking. Before I do any of this, though, I need to email one of my advisees and run errands. Grrrrr.

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